raw thoughts. raw emotions

Having support has never really been a necessity for me in shaping who I was. I never had it and never felt entitled to it. I’ve always been a self-reliant person and I never look at the circumstances of any situation from a place of victimization or stagnation. I see connections and meanings in every lived experience. It’s easy to reform and transform from that mentality.

It is the same with being understood, validated or accepted.

It isn’t a requirement to be in my life.

I’ve long had to build my own inner belief system because I felt like an outsider. I felt misunderstood a lot; like I was thinking and speaking a different language, and after a while, I stopped seeking acceptance. It was a coping mechanism that ended up saving me because it empowered me to build my world without fear of judgment or rejection. In the marathon of life, I’ve always known I had the tools to make it to my destination. Funny enough, the most repetitive anxious thoughts that keep me up at night is that consistent nagging voice telling me that I am not living up to my full potential.

Still, there’s a way I talk to myself along the way, it’s raw and pulls from all the times I had to move through life alone, confused, misunderstood and scared. I isolate, I refine, I reform. I use the feeling to fuel me. There’s a quote I say all the time:

“Dirt or flowers…all nah garden”.

Because at the end of the day, everything that happens to you is useful in building who you’re becoming.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a chosen family that cheers me on and is the light of my life. What I am trying to express is that the people around me or my environment neither reinforce nor disrupt my inner belief system. I lost my ability to see the finish line. I never truly feel, or will ever feel like I’ve arrived. Looking inward I fear mediocrity, stagnation…and worst of all, peaking. So it’s really helped that I never feel complete. There’s always the next thing and the next thing and that’s what makes life so fun! Embracing the confusion because I’m not here to make sense. People who don’t know me might think me aloof because of this. Nah, I just have big dreams in many different mediums. It’s the reason I’m built this way, and I can live a life that chases constant expansion because where there’s a Me, there’s always a way. I thought it was bad before…but it’s deadly now.

What are the core features of that inner belief system?

Thoughts of pride in yourself.

Thoughts of courage to face anything head-on.

Thoughts of wisdom, to gather the intuitive signals from what you see and hear and in approaching situations.

Thoughts of understanding with the surprises life throws at you.

The assurance that it is always going to be well for you.

Lastly, thoughts of acceptance for what is, what was, and what will be.

All things arrive in their own timing…and that includes you. Anyone else’s expectations of you are not your concern.

Shine so brightly from within that you don’t need external sources to illuminate you. Everyone around you is living their own distinct, special life. Watch, marvel and appreciate the beauty of that…and let them live! We are all a constant evolution, a neverending exploration of every corner of our potential.

Don’t chase validation or attention. Focus on being your best self. Moving without the need to be approved or accepted by the world. An inner divinity and self-assurance. The coolest/greatest/most inspiring and most creative people in history probably did this. Chasing their highest potential was a natural state of being.

That is where the magic of your greatness lies.

Winners invent on the way to greatness. They keep rigging new machines, new processes, new mindsets, and new attitudes in this so-called race of life. But they keep going. The hunger and necessity for greatness breeds unintended invention. Glory always comes with extra gifts and talents for those who seek greatness that goes beyond the norm. Everything you do, say, work on, or start becomes an invention.

So, in my own quest for this, if I lay one brick down at a time who are you to tell me I’m not building a house?

No one sees what you see, even if they see it too. You have to do this for yourself and move every day afraid, but never a coward.

I know who I am because I know my whole story and what each chapter, each line, and each paragraph did to the overall synopsis of me. It took me so long to understand this, but it needed time. For the story to form. So that is okay.

I am an interesting book, and it could only be written with time. There was no other way

Who am I? I don’t know…I’m not here to make sense, remember :)

And so are you.