As I sit, ready to close the chapter that has been the most eye-opening, mountain-climbing, painfully…euphorically transformative year of my life, I thought, why not make a toast…for “Auld lang Syne”🥂

Auld Lang Syne (noun)

Meaning: A phrase of Scottish origin meaning “old long since” or “for the sake of old times.” It refers to fond remembrance of past times, friendships, or experiences that are cherished but no longer present.

Usage: Commonly associated with the poem written by Robert Burns in 1788, which was later adapted into the traditional song sung to bid farewell to the old year during New Year’s Eve celebrations. It symbolises nostalgia, reflection, and the enduring nature of friendships.

This Scottish song is a favourite of mine, and I find myself singing it as the year comes to a close. But this time, the words cut deep…I felt the lyrics more than ever…especially the first verse…

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

Chorus
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For Auld Lang Syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
For Auld Lang Syne.

I love this cover by Lea Michelle, btw…

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Hmm……so I take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne….Old times…

It’s been a lot these past few months. I have had to learn that resilience looks like resting when you need to, crying when you have to, and choosing to keep going anyway.

Understanding that you have to be kind to the parts of yourself that are still finding their way.

It took a lot to keep going this year. I had to face a lot of painful realisations in my healing journey, one of them being that I tend to stay in places that I am not happy in…You see, I have always felt misunderstood and neglected, which birthed my very need to be seen by the people I hoped would see me. So I would perform by accepting what I clearly knew was maltreatment, underpricing and undervaluing, double standard, nonreciprocity, eye service, intimidation, condescension, servitude (on my part), chronic people pleasing and lack of boundaries, wanting and hoping that the people I liked, liked me back because of this GRAND PERFORMANCE I gave… and so many much more horrible things.

💭… so much spent energy…

I knew I had a perspective; I knew what felt right and what did not, but I didn’t want to do the hard work of easily being myself. I refused to listen to my own internal workings…so I got lost in a sad place, angry at myself and tired from the performance.

Or so I thought…

2024 became the year I stumbled on my potential; I started to know who I was…

…So I take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne….

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The famous poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken, comes to mind here… (permit me to shorten it for context)

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

I looked down one as far as I could

Then took the other, as just as fair

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

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Being lost forced me to go down the road less travelled. When I got lost, so much happened. Life happened, too, and I was forced to pour all my effort into understanding myself…my perspective.

I acknowledged myself.

I gave myself audience.

I gave myself an open ear and a watchful eye.

I listened to myself.

I fell in love with myself.

I realised that I was not a role to be played, I am a person filled with my own individuality and complexity.

It was in listening to and falling in love with myself that I learned that validation and love can be given to oneself.

I see me…so clearly right now.

Once we start to watch over ourselves, we will see that what we need isn’t to be experienced but to experience our own lives.

If all we do is live in reference, then how will we ever be the subject?

I think self-love truly starts once you open yourself to the idea of your perfect imperfection.

If we are the ones who can see all of our internal workings and feelings, then we must also be the ones to validate them.

And the road less travelled allowed me to do so.

…So I take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne….

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Remember what I said, I tended to stay in unhappy places, to not speak up for myself, to serve and overextend myself to people who wouldn’t do the same for me, how I was a chronic people pleaser and so forth…well, going on this journey this year, I found that all these things just, slowly, stopped.

A formal introduction to myself was the plot twist I did not see coming.

Because the minute you take the time to truly know yourself, you’ll realise it’s often others who struggle with you—not because of who you are, but because they want you to be something else. People often understand you only to the extent that it benefits—or inconveniences—them. The minute you become aware of this in your life and shine the mirror back on them, everything changes. You then realise that you can spoil people into entitlement, making them accustomed to your lack of boundaries and limitations. You can give your all, but it will never be enough for some. What feels like your widow’s mite to you might still seem like nothing to them. That’s why it’s important to find those who truly see you for all that you are—people who aren’t greedy for more, even when you’ve overfed them.

You will not know who you have overfed if you do not know what your reservoir holds. If you cannot find a way to refill the tank, and if you have no audit of who is depleting your reserves.

Turn off your bubbly side and watch everybody get nervous.

The world wants to assign you a role. And once you accept that role, you’re doomed. I’ve pursued goals that weren’t mine. I’ve said yes when I wanted to say no. I’ve worn masks to avoid judgment. But every time I did, I drifted further from myself. I’ve learned to stop apologising for being myself. I’m prioritising what feels right more, even if it disappoints others. It’s a hard thought. But I’ve realised carrying regret feels worse.

I refuse to dim my light…So I take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne….

Because the minute I knew myself…I knew what that meant: It meant advocating for myself, It meant speaking up if you hurt or disrespected me, It meant knowing when someone was just using me and creating boundaries, it meant saying “NO” and people looking like me like I said a curse word 😂. A lot of acquaintances in my life had to go. I made it easy; I just silently disappeared from certain scenes, and I just never made an effort again (because, duh! Who would do the hard work?), I stopped over-extending, serving, wanting to please, and overdoing. I just…nothing, I just put all that energy into self-discovery, self-definition and self-development.

But oh boy….you can’t just take away what you have been giving, nay, OVERFEEDING people who are entitled to you sticking to a role they have assigned you…

…” how dare you stand up”… they think to themselves…

Damn…

My most painful realisation as we wrap up this year is that the loudest voices don’t always have my best interest in mind. Some of my closest social relationships ended or ran their course because I wasn’t doing me for me. I was being measured by someone else’s expectations. I lost myself because of it. Life is too short to wear masks for people who care less about your own becoming. Living for others breaks you slowly.

First, you lose your voice. Then, you lose your direction.

Eventually, you lose yourself.

I do not want to lose myself…So I take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne….

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It took a lot to find me, and as we were entering this new year, I became restless, I knew a shift was coming. I know a shift is coming! I had been through too many storms; I had been in the rough long enough. I knew…I knew it was my time to shine brighter than I ever did after holding back for so long. Listen, I may not understand how things are going for you, but I need you to hold space in the knowledge that you will shine regardless, but be discerning about how and where you let your light out. Trust your power and lean into it, save your brilliance for places where it will truly matter.

Discretion is a shield against the prying eyes of those who might weaponise your progress. Boundaries are essential. Protecting your energy requires vigilance, but the reward is a life free from the toxicity of others’ projections.

Because the minute you find just a glimmer, A GLIMMER of that light, you know what comes next, right? Yeah, darkness, in the form of frenemies…you painfully discover, in this already tiresome journey, that not all who stand beside you walk with you…

There comes a moment when the veil lifts, and you see clearly.
It’s a painful realisation: not everyone who stands beside you walks with you.
Some smiles conceal envy; some encouragement is laced with resentment.
They resent not what you have but what you represent.

—a mirror to their lack…a light they cannot find.
It breaks something in you, shatters your innocence, but also sets you free.

Their smiles mask bitterness, their congratulations cloak jealousy and their presence in your life becomes a shadow of toxicity. This revelation cuts deep, shaking the foundation of relationships you once thought were unshakable. When the truth emerges, it is as if something within you shatters. There is pain, anger, and disappointment in equal measure. Yet, this moment of clarity is also a gift, for it allows you to take the most profound step toward protecting your peace: letting go. Forgiveness is essential, not for their sake, but for yours. It is the act of severing the emotional chains that tether you to their negativity. But forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. It means releasing yourself from the weight of their demons and preserving the sanctity of your journey.

Forgive them, but let them go, not for their sake, but for yours.
The hardest truth is they won’t let go of you.
They’ll watch from the shadows, ask about you, reach out occasionally,
Not to reconnect, but to measure their failure to become…against your progress.

What is particularly confounding is that those who turn dark rarely disappear from your life entirely. Instead, they linger on the periphery, like monitoring spirits, watching, asking, and keeping tabs. Ex-friends, estranged family members, and former lovers—people who once had access to your most intimate moments—now monitor your progress from afar. Their fixation often stems from a potent mix of guilt, regret, and an inability to let go of what they lost. A “You” that benefitted them.

You stopped feeding someone you were once overfeeding…I’d be angry too 😂

This behaviour reveals a deep insecurity within them. They hoped betrayal or sabotage, gossip, or negativity would derail you, that the burden they placed on your shoulders would be too heavy to bear. Yet, instead of crumbling under the weight, you rose stronger, more resilient (crying, yes, weak, yes, but still going). Their jealousy, once subtle, turns into a burning resentment. The admiration they feel for your strength is twisted by their own insecurities, creating a paradoxical attraction and repulsion. They are trapped, unable to look away, yet consumed by the bitterness of their own making.

They crave your energy, though they can’t stand your light.
It disturbs and attracts their demons, leaving them restless in your wake.
Their guilt is a monster they cannot conquer, so they play mental gymnastics,
Searching for reasons to justify their betrayal, to validate their darkness.

One of the greatest lessons this experience teaches is the importance of energy—both yours and theirs. Energy is contagious, and the wrong kind can be a silent saboteur. People driven by envy, insecurity or guilt project their demons onto you, hoping to disrupt your peace and reclaim the control they once held. Their fixation on your life becomes a mirror of their own unresolved struggles.

Discretion is a shield against the prying eyes of those who might weaponise your progress. Boundaries are essential. Protecting your energy requires vigilance, but the reward is a life free from the toxicity of others’ projections.

I have to protect my energy…So I take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne….

They hoped to control you, to keep you from knowing your potential.
And now, in the shadows, they pray for a stumble, a fall,
Anything to drag you back to who you once were.

A validation they need…
They hold on in spirit, caught in a storm of guilt, curiosity, and regret.

At the core of this behaviour lies an uncomfortable truth: their darkness is not about you but about themselves. They see in you the potential they stifled within themselves, the courage they lacked, the discipline they failed to cultivate. Watching you thrive forces them to confront their own shortcomings, and instead of doing the inner work to heal, they channel their frustration outward.

Guilt is a heavy burden to bear. It twists love into resentment, warmth into bitterness, and admiration into envy. For some, the easiest way to cope with guilt is to rewrite the narrative—to justify their actions by finding flaws in you. They cling to the hope that you will falter, that your growth is fleeting, so they can validate the betrayal that haunts them. But your continued growth only deepens their torment, leaving them as little more than spectators to a journey they once could have been a part of.

Their fixation is their prison, and you owe them nothing.
Protect your energy, for their shadows, cannot touch your light.

Rise boldly, for your strength terrifies their demons.
Let their darkness fuel their day-to-day; it no longer concerns you.
Your journey is sacred, your purpose divine.
Move forward unapologetically, for no shadow can dim the radiance of a soul that refuses to break.

The Liberation of Letting Go

The ultimate liberation lies in understanding that their actions, their guilt, and their envy are not your responsibility. You are not obliged to carry the weight of their insecurities or to diminish your light to make them comfortable. Letting go is not just a physical act but an emotional one—a decision to free yourself from the invisible chains of their bitterness.

Forgiveness, in this context, is a powerful act of self-love. It is the acknowledgement that you deserve peace, that your energy is too valuable to be spent on resentment. But forgiveness does not mean allowing them back into your life. It means releasing them with grace, trusting that the distance you create is necessary for your growth and their healing.

The lesson is clear: protect your peace, cherish your energy, and never apologise for your progress. Those who cannot celebrate your growth journey are not meant to share in it. Let them watch from the shadows if they must, but let your light continue to shine. Your destiny is too important to be dimmed by the darkness of others.

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You are your audience, perform for yourself and shine like the fucking star you are meant to be. See yourself clearly, inside and out. Everything you need is within you. I hope you begin to unleash it in 2025. ✨🧡

For “auld lang syne,” my dear—

I raise a glass for old times’ sake,
To the ones I poured into more than I poured into myself,
To those who smiled with envy in their hearts,
And to those who liked me only when it benefited—or inconvenienced—them.

I toast to the Tutu who performed—
Who accepted maltreatment, underpricing, undervaluing,
Double standards, unreciprocated effort, intimidation,
Eye service, condescension, and servitude—
All in hopes that those I liked would like me back.
To the version of me that shrank to be accepted,
That didn’t know her worth, her power, her potential.

I take a cup of kindness yet to those who turned dark
When I stopped overfeeding their egos and their sense of entitlement,
And to the roads I walked where no one applauded,
The heavy steps taken as I sought myself.

I raise my glass now to the girl who is learning to love her own company,
To the one who found peace in listening to herself,
To the woman who realised that validation, love, and kindness
Can be given—no, must be given—to oneself.

I see me now—so clearly, beautifully, and fully.
If all we do is live in reference,
How will we ever become the subject?

I am now the subject. I stand tall; I validate that.

And I toast to that.
To the road less taken, to the fear I embrace,
To loving my life as I live it, not just survive it.
To the parts of me still finding their way,
And to the wholeness I already am.

For “auld lang syne,” my dear, I toast to all of it—
And to the unstoppable, undeniable me.